I am sorry I am SAD. I’m very SAD indeed. I don’t enjoy this grey sombre cloud that seems to be following me around and causing me to feel so bloody miserable. I am not myself and however much I try to put a brave face on it I’m not o.k. I want to make it clear that I am not suffering from depression. I don’t have a reason to feel down, I just am. Anyone who knows me would say 95% of the time I am sunshine and glitter but with the dark nights setting in so, my yearly battle with SAD begins. I have lived with seasonal affective disorder (SAD) for over 10 years and control it normally with getting as much sunlight during the day as possible and dosing up on St Johns Wart. This year that doesn’t seem to be working and the grey cloud doesn’t seem to be going away. It has been a long year full of some amazing triumphs in my career but with that brings extra stresses and a lot of upheavals. I struggle each day with trying to build a new career and run a successful company with trying to be a good mum and wife. I am spinning all the plates but at any moment they could all come crashing down upon me. The careers I choose to retrain in is 24/7 and the temptation to keeping checking my laptop even on my days off is often too hard for me to resist.
I swore when I changed career I was going it to spend more time with the kids but now I am either trying to drag them around an overpriced farm because I think that’s what we should be doing or hammering away on my laptop trying to earn more money. During the summer months if I am ever starting to feel grey I will go out for a run or relax in the garden and soak up the sun rays but during winter all I feel like doing is eating carbs and sleeping. I do not want to wallow in self-pity and even at my crappiest this month I tried to be productive and purchase a lightbox which is supposed to help release serotonin (the happy drug) in your brain and make you feel a little bit chirpier. A lot of people have asked me if it’s working and ‘yes’ it does help but it’s not been the golden ticket to happiness I had hoped it would be.
People have told me to go to talk to my Doctor and see if he can help but I already know what he is going to say. Cut back on your workload, get outdoors more and if you still aren’t feeling great then there is always antidepressant medication & talking therapy. If I could cut back on my workload I would but sadly my mortgage company won’t accept an IOU, I love being outdoors and would love to get out more but with a husband who is either working , winding down in the pub or at the gym, taking 2 kids out on my own has proven to be a more stressful situation than staying in. As far as the antidepressant medication, it’s just not something I want to do. I 100% support people who need it and take it but as I said earlier, I’m not depressed, I don’t have any huge problems, I just feel shitty. Talking therapy is something I have done before, and it can work. After Charley’s birth, I had a really bad time and talking helped me deal with what went on and gave me coping mechanisms for the postnatal depression/anxiety that soon developed. I just don’t feel that talking about feeling grey is going to do anything. When I have tried to talk about how I am feeling I just sound like a poor little rich girl.
This isn’t my PND that’s rearing its ugly head again, this is purely and simply a case of the winter blues. The answer is to try to claw back my life, get out with friends more, learn to relax but as any mum knows to try to organise 1/2 hour to yourself or a quick catch with your friends now takes weeks of weeks of planning due to ballet classes, husbands working patterns and the 3,000000000 kids parties the little cherubs attend each weekend. Most of the time we mum’s just getting on with it and that’s what I am doing.
The one thing I can say about SAD is it always fades away, I may be caught up in a storm of it now, but the greyness will at least be masked by the tinsel and twinkly lights of Christmas. So, if you see my SAD face in person or staring back at you from Instagram you will know I am just feeling a little bit shitty now, but I am hoping that normal sunshine and glitter will resume soon.
Do you suffer from SAD or get affected by the winter weather? Comment below with what works for you.